Why do I not want to be touched?

If you hate being hugged, the world can be a challenging place. You never know when someone you’re meeting for a quick coffee will approach you, arms open wide, coming in for an embrace.

Your options are limited: you can awkwardly dodge the gesture, stick out your hand for a handshake, or submit to the unwanted bear hug.

Regardless of whether you are pro or anti-embrace, here’s everything to know about the human behavior of hugging:

Why people love or loathe hugging

So why is it that some people love a good hug, while others abhor them? According to experts, it may have something to do with how you were raised.

“Our tendency to engage in physical touch—whether hugging, a pat on the back, or linking arms with a friend—is often a product of our early childhood experiences,” says Suzanne Degges-White, a professor of Counseling and Counselor Education at Northern Illinois University. A 2012 study published in Comprehensive Psychology found that people who were raised by parents who were frequent huggers were more likely to be huggers in adulthood. The study concluded that, “hugging is an important element in a child’s emotional upbringing.”

Conversely, Degges-White says, for people raised by devout non-huggers, the very thought of hugging might make them uncomfortable. “In a family that was not typically physically demonstrative, children may grow up and follow that same pattern with their own kids,” she says.

Still, she notes instances when growing up without physical touch can actually have the opposite effect. “Some children grow up and feel ‘starved’ for touch and become social huggers that can’t greet a friend without an embrace or a touch on the shoulder,” Degges-White says.

Whether you grew up in a family that was always hugging or was brought up in an environment that lacked touch—these factors can leave a lasting physiological impact.

Darcia Narvaez, a professor of psychology at University of Notre Dame, says that there are two main ways that not being touched can affect a growing body: it can lead to an underdeveloped vagus nerve, a bundle of nerves that runs from the spinal cord to the abdomen, which research shows can decrease people’s ability to be intimate or compassionate, and can lead to an underdeveloped oxytocin system, the glands which release the oxytocin hormone that can help humans form bonds with other people.

As proof, Narvaez points to a group of Romanian orphans, who were at the center of a 2014 study on the lasting impact of neglect on developing minds. Romanian orphans who were adopted had malfunctioning oxytocin systems, according to the study. “They were hardly touched in the orphanage and so did not display the rise in oxytocin— ‘the cuddle hormone’—well-cared-for children have when sitting on their parent’s lap,” Narvaez says.

Without this hormone, it can be harder to pick up on social cues and even be more sociable. So hugging and touch are incredibly important for youngsters—even if you don’t particularly like them as an adult.

Self-esteem and body issues may also play a role in someone’s hugging predilections. “People who are more open to physical touch with others typically have higher levels of self-confidence,” says Degges-White. “People who have higher levels of social anxiety, in general, may be hesitant to engage in affectionate touches with others, including friends.” And the fear of someone ‘reaching out’—literally and figuratively—can make that discomfort even worse, she warns.

There’s also a cultural component to being hug avoidant. People in the U.S. and England hug and touch way less often than people in France or Puerto Rico, according to a 2010 study by the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley.

How huggers should interact with people who are hug avoidant

The Emily Post Institute, which carries on the work of the eponymous doyenne of etiquette, suggests skipping the hug altogether unless you are closely acquainted with someone. The reason is simple: while you might be comfortable with it, “not everyone else—even those who might go along with it quietly—are,” the institute wrote in a blog post.

The manners maven also encouraged huggers to take note of body language: when someone proffers their hand instead of going in for a bear hug for example, recognize the signal, and then shake on it. The body language of non-huggers is hard to miss, too: If you’re going in for a hug and notice a grimace or a look of horror in the person’s eyes, you might consider aborting the mission.

Samantha Hess—a “professional cuddler” and founder of a Portland, Oregon-based service that teaches people how to enjoy platonic touch—says it’s important to be mindful of other people’s cues. “Everyone has the right to control what happens to their body,” she says. “Many of our clients aren’t comfortable with even a handshake when they first arrive.”

Hess adds that it can take weeks or even months for her clients to feel comfortable enough to enjoy a good old-fashioned embrace—if they ever get there at all.

The scientific benefits of hugging

There is a very real reason to try hugging: it may make you less likely to get sick.

In a 2015 study, researchers from Carnegie Mellon University looked at the effects that hugs and other forms of affection can have on the immune system. Specifically, researchers wanted to know if the people who felt loved were less susceptible to the common cold—and they were: 32% of that immune boost came from the stress-alleviating effects of hugging.

“Those who receive more hugs are somewhat more protected from infection,” the study concluded.

But if anti-huggers are still unconvinced, they may want to make note of a 2014 study published in the American Journal of Infection Control that found that fist bumping is the most hygienic form of greeting—an alternative that requires minimal contact.

How to overcome your aversion to hugs

While no one should ever feel obligated to hug someone, if you want to overcome your hug aversion, Hess’s company has a carefully laid out plan for helping people overcome their distaste for the embrace. “We go over consent and boundaries prior to any touch and reassure them they are always welcome to change their mind,” she explains. “We have 78 cuddle poses we can guide people through so we can find something for just about any comfort level.”

And for those who don’t mind physical touch, but still aren’t sold on hugging, Degges-White suggests pushing through the temporary unease and go for the embrace. “You may very well find yourself overcome with relief, gratitude, surprise, acceptance and even regret for having closed yourself off from your own self for so long,” she says.

Contact us at .

When we get married, or fall in love, we tend to be incredibly tactile with the object of our affection. However, sometimes, a few years into a relationship, a couple's sex life and intimacy can diminish. While this is quite common, it can also be the case that it is a one sided issue. Some couples find that while one person wants sex a lot, the other does not.

Here we look at what it is called when a wife doesn't want a husband to touch her, but also what to do if you have no feelings for your partner. We also discuss what a partner can do if their other half is the one that doesn't want to be touched and why it could be that a partner avoids intimacy.

What Is It Called When You Don't Want To Be Touched?

There is a condition called Haphephobia which is a medical term for someone who has a phobia of being touched. It makes people suffering from it incredibly anxious. There are other names for it too, but while it may be a medically recognised condition for some, there is a big difference between Haphephobia and not wanting to be touched by your husband.

Hapnephobia is far more about being afraid to be touched by someone you do not know or that you have not allowed to touch to you. While it can happen that the phobia can become so great that you don't want to be touched by family members either, it is usually not an issue for those with the disorder to be touched by ones that they know and love.

There is one other medical condition relating to touch called allodynia. This is when a person is so sensitive to touch that they try to avoid being touched by another person because of the pain it causes them. This is probably not the case between a wife and husband who have lost a level of intimacy in their relationship. However if it does hurt for you to be touched by anyone, go and see a medical professional.

So what else is it when you do't want to be touched by your husband? Is there a name for it or is there anything that causes it?

Often, when women recoil from the touch of their loved ones or don't seem to have a sex drive anymore, they are called frigid. This term is not particularly helpful nor useful to use. Frigid has a lot of negative connotations to it and if a woman who seems to be shying away from a sex life with her husband, calling her frigid will only seek to make matters worse.

Instead, it is good to address other issues that could be causing the problem as opposed to passing it off as a partner being frigid. More often than not, when women don't want to be touched there are much larger issues at play. One of them could be suffering from a low self esteem. This can occur for a number of reasons but if you feel that this is you or your partner's problem, then look at ways to solve it.

You could do some work on building up your confidence or look to your past for reasons that your confidence took a battering and is consequently a lot lower than other people's. Low self confidence can have a huge effect on a person's body image, amongst other things, which can then lead them to shy away from being touched or any type of foreplay or sex itself.

Additionally, some women suffer more strongly than others with hormonal swings and imbalances in their bodies. This can have a big effect too on the amount that they like to be touched - if at all. The female body goes through a lot during their monthly cycle and it can mean that women sometimes have lower and higher libidos at certain times.

What To Do If You Have No Feelings For Your Husband?

Not wanting to touch your husband can sadly be borne out of the fact that you no longer have feelings for him. This does not necessarily spell the end of your relationship however and things can most definitely get better. Here, we list three things that can work as a way to improve relations between you.

Seek Out A Couples Counselor

Not many couples like to do it, but seeking the help of a therapist can work wonders for your relationship on ever level - including improving your sex drive. The reason being is that working with a therapist gives you both a safe place to talk through things or an issue that may have been affecting your relationship and the sex between you. Even the happiest of couples could benefit from working with a therapist once in a while - do not worry about any stigma you may think is attached to using one. All relationships go through bad patches.

Improve The Levels Of Communication

One thing that most counsellors will recommend when trying to improve things between a husband and wife, is to talk to each other more and open up about the emotions in your head and the pressure you may be feeling - both within and outside of your marriage. By having open and frank conversations, you will soon start to understand each other a great deal better which in turn helps with the improving the intimacy between you both.

Make A Concerted Effort To Spend More Time Together

Another reason that couples tend to find that they no longer want to touch each other is if their interests start to diverge so much that they run out of conversation. To stop this from happening, try to come up with an activity that you could both do together to help foster a new common ground between the two of you. In time, this will help nurture loving feelings and thoughts in the marriage again. Activities do not need to be new white knuckle hobbies. Simply sitting down to dinner with each other as often as possible can help.

Why Does My Wife Not Want Me To Touch Her?

It can be so hard on a husband who loves to show his wife his love through physically touching her, to have his affections constantly turned away. Have patience and understanding though and you will see a way to improve the situation and your sex life as a result.

She Could Be Stressed

Stress can affect people in a number of different ways. It can therefore be that your wife does not like to be touched by you because she is under a huge amount of pressure elsewhere in her life. This can manifest itself in shying away from being physical with you.

If you think this could be the case, talk to her openly about it and work towards a way that means she can deal with her stress without recoiling from you. Stress is not to be underestimated as a root cause for many issues in a relationship, so be aware of situations that could arise that make your wife's stress and anxiety hit the roof. You may be able to help mitigate them.

The Mental Load

The mental load a woman deals with when she looks after a family can be huge. In fact, it can be a huge driver of stress in her life. It is very common and a problem that you can work through with your wife - either on your own or during a family therapy session. It means you will deal with ways on how to share the burden of having children together. It won't just mean you will be doing more laundry or washing up - instead, it will be about sharing thinking ahead about your family's needs, like she inevitably will do.

Her Body May Have Changed Over The Years

If you do have a family together, or even if you have been together for a while, your wife may shy away from you touching her simply because she no longer sees her body as it once was. Over time, and especially after children, a woman's body changes drastically to cause them to think differently about sex and intercourse with their partner. A good way to solve this problem is to remind your wife that you are someone who loves her both physically and mentally.

Why Does My Wife Avoids Intimacy?

There are numerous reasons why a wife can avoid intimacy with her husband - and often they're not anything to do with the husband themselves. Here, we list three reasons why a wife may avoid touching her partner.

She May Be Suffering From A Crisis Of Confidence

A big driver behind why any woman may shy away from being touched or any form of intimacy from their partner is down to a crisis of confidence. This can be down to not liking their body or simply because they have low self esteem about their personality or character too. Much like if you are with a woman who no longer likes the look of her body, it can be a good idea to work on ways to build up her confidence again so that you can both enjoy sex and intimacy as part of your relationship again.

She Could Be Nervous

A woman may not want to have sex with her partner because she is too nervous about expressing her sexuality and may have problems will a lack of experience in the bedroom. If you believe that this could be the case with your wife and that your sexual encounters with her are often driven by you, try to approach or make advances in such a way that you build up her confidence between the sheets.

Is it like pulling teeth getting him to spend time with you?
The key to solving is understanding men on a much deeper emotional level. The number #1 factor that causes men to behave this way is actually relatively easy to change with a few subtle things you can say to him.

Take this quick quiz to see if he actually likes you!

Her Mind May Be Elsewhere

A woman often has many concerns going on in her head and finds it difficult to forget them - even if she does actually enjoy sex. This can mean that her mind may be elsewhere when she has a lot on and she may be suffering from anxiety because of them. Or it could just be that she finds arousal hard when she has so much on her mind.

Men are much better at putting distance between themselves and their going concerns prior to having sex than women. Try to lead her by example if you fear this may be the case for your marriage and she will slowly start to see that sex can be a good way of giving and gaining pleasure that helps her relax too.

When You Don't Want To Touch You Husband - The Bottom Line

Both a man and woman have a part to play in keeping the sex alive in a marriage. It can be hard to maintain the levels of intimacy they both enjoyed when they first started dating as life so often gets in the way with its stresses. These can put a huge amount of pressure on a partnership and a major way this can affect women in particular is for their libido to get incredibly low.

Part of the way that you can help change - whether you are a man or woman - is to be aware of what it is that causes you so much stress in your life and try to address those stresses. Even if it is talking through issues with your partner, you will find that it has a huge impact on your mental health and your sex life as a consequence.

Do you worry that you don't like to be touched by your other half? Do you shy away from his every advance? If this is you, please leave your comments below and any ways that you have helped deal with them. Our readers would value hearing real life stories and how you helped yourself out of that situation.

Do you feel like all you think about is him, but he only thinks about himself?
This doesn't mean he doesn't like you. You have to understand how he is wired. Once you do, you'll find there is a subtle thing you can say that to him that will drastically change how he shows his emotions towards you.

Take this quick quiz that looks at whether he actually likes you or not!