Why does my cat lick me and not my husband

When I first adopted my cat, the one thing that bewildered me for months was why my cat licks me then bites me. I had never had a cat before and as most of us know, cat behaviour can be pretty hard to read if you don't know what you are looking for. Luckily for me (and for all new cat parents) informative blogs like this one exist.

Knowing how to read your pet’s behaviour is a skill worth developing, as the subtlest of behaviours can tell you a lot about what your cat is feeling or needing. Communication is paramount in any relationship, even when the other can’t actually speak. This is even harder with cats, because their body language is quite subtle most times. As a new cat parent you might be perplexed as to why your cat licks then bites you.

In this article I explain common reasons for this behaviour so you can learn to communicate better with your furry friend.

An Attack or a Way of Communicating?

Cats may bite for different reasons: to assert dominance or respond to a threat, to stop unwanted attention from humans, or even as a way to communicate something more pleasant. This applies to adult cats mostly, since kittens often bite to socialize or as a way of exploring the world around them.

But here we are speaking of a very specific situation: a cat licking and biting you. Most times it is in a non-aggressive manner, which confuses most people because the cat is clearly not angry, but they don’t seem to be quite happy either.

So, why do cats lick then bite?

Affection: The Love Bite

If your cat licks then bites you out of the blue then you might be in the presence of a love bite, lucky you! This is a very common (and usually gentle) interaction with cats, especially kittens. If your cat does this they might be trying to show you affection. Even though it might not feel pleasant (kitty tongues are rough), it is a very normal part of cats’ communication.

The love bite can go both ways - it can be that your cat is showing affection or they can be asking for it. Cats are known to be very independent and do as they please, when they please - Cats call the shots. They are not antisocial, they just like to have attention when they want it. So if your cat licks then bites you, they might just be asking for a little bit of love or attention.

Overstimulation: Your Cat Has Had Enough of Your Pets

As we said above, cats are quite picky with what they want and when they want it. You may be petting your little friend happily one moment, they are purring and everything is right in the world. And the next thing you know, there it is, the lick and bite killer combo. At this point everyone but the cat is confused. Oh, you thought we were having a moment? Not anymore. Now you are confused and the cat is a second away from being upset with you. What went wrong? Your little friend is over your pets for the moment.

What is Cat Overstimulation?

Overstimulation happens when you touch your cat in areas they don’t like or for extended periods of time. After some time, something that they might have found enjoyable turns frustrating and results in a little bite. The overstimulation threshold for cats differs from one cat to another, so there is no set timeframe in which it is (safe) to pet your cat. You should pay attention to their responses to your petting. Do they claw at you when you pet their tummies? Do they lick then bite you after a few minutes of petting even if they were seeming to enjoy it? Be mindful of these things and any sudden changes in behaviour when interacting with your cat. 

How to Avoid Overstimulating Your Cat

• Do not pet them in areas they don’t like.
• Stop petting them as soon as you see any signs of discomfort.
• Keep petting sessions short.
• Wait some time before attempting to pet them again. As we said before, cats have their own timing and waiting a bit before petting them again might be in your best interest.
• Do not retaliate if they bite. Yelling or punishing your cat will only make them afraid of you or make them become more aggressive.

Feeling Playful: Your Cat is Telling You That They Want to Play

As mysterious and cool as they seem, cats can still be silly and playful. So, another reason why cats lick then bite could be that they simply want to play. If their ears and whiskers are pointed forward, the tail is up and the pupils are slightly dilated, then your cat is ready for playtime! Other signs might be walking with an arched back or crouching with their rear end up. By licking then biting you, your cat is asking for a little fun.

Grooming: Your Cat may be Grooming You

Cats lick their fur in order to groom themselves. They bite their fur when getting rid of tangles and lick after so that they can be as clean and soft as possible. If your cat licks and bites you repetitively and seemingly with intent, then fear not, your are being groomed. This is a part of normal cat interaction and often happens among siblings and preferred humans. They might not be fond of other people but this is a sure tell that they like you!

Stress: Your Cat May be Stressed or Anxious

If your cat seems to lick or bite things excessively, maybe even displaying aggression, then your furry friend may be stressed or anxious. Cats are easily stressed - new people, new places and new pets could all be a source of anxiety, so it is very important to be attentive of those things. Some breeds like the Siamese are commonly known to chew things when they are stressed. If you find that your cat is acting strangely, consult your vet for possible diagnosis and treatment.

Does The Order of Licking or Biting Matter?

What if we flipped the combo? The alternate question: Why do cats bite then lick? In all honesty I haven’t found a difference in the order and its meaning. Cats lick and bite people as a way of calling their attention to something, be it asking for affection or asking it to stop. The bottom line is that your cat wants to tell you something, and according to the context and their body language it is often one of the things we explained above.

What To Do If the Bite is Aggressive

There are several ways to prevent aggression in cats and they all start with “don't get them riled up”. Avoid trigger situations when possible. If you have lived long enough with a cat you will know what their triggers are. Try not to encourage aggressive play. Things always end up escalating if your cat is prone to aggression. Positive reinforcement is your best friend. If your cat is playing or behaving in a relaxed or calm manner you can reward them with a treat. As we said before, yelling or physical punishment are never the answer. It will always make matters worse and make your cat afraid of you or become more aggressive. There are tons of ways to handle aggressive cats, just make sure you are doing it properly.

Final Thoughts

Cats are complex creatures and are sometimes hard to read, but for the love they give us it is well worth the effort to learn how to understand them. Interaction can be a tricky thing even among human beings. In the case of pets, we just need to learn the best ways of communication and pay special attention to body language. Cat licking and biting is a normal part of the way cats interact with the world, and is generally not cause for any concern. Whether it is to show affection or to ask for attention or alone time, licking and biting is their way to communicate to us what they want or what they are feeling, so close pay attention.

Does your cat lick then bite you? How do you decipher what they're trying to tell you? Let us know in the comments! We would love to read your experiences.

If cats could talk, they could explain what they’re really doing when they lick and paw at our hair, but since cats are mysterious and tight-lipped by nature, the humans who study them can only theorize on the meaning of this behavior.

If your cat pats your head with her paws, it may feel like she’s trying to brush your hair, but in most cases, she’s simply kneading, says Dr. Taylor Kirby-Madden, a veterinarian at the Angell Animal Medical Center in Boston.

Cats knead by pushing their paws against a surface in a rhythmic motion. Kneading is usually a sign of a cat that’s happy or seeking attention, Kirby-Madden says.

“Typically, cats don’t groom each other with their paws,” she says. “Grooming is strictly licking.” If your cat licks your hair, she says, it probably means she likes you. “It’s an expression of affection.”

If your cat has a thing for your hair, it may say something about your relationship. The closer you are to your pet, the more likely she is to fancy your tresses, says Pam Johnson-Bennett, a Nashville, Tennessee-based cat behaviorist.

“The stronger the bond you have with your cat, the more likely it’s going to happen,” Johnson-Bennett says. “If cats are not comfortable being close to you because they don’t feel safe, you’re not going to have that.”

Experts believe that these behaviors are a form of allogrooming, a social and bonding behavior that normally occurs between cats that have a friendly or familial relationship.

Cat Grooming Habits Explained

Cats lick and groom one another for many reasons. In the wild, they do it to create one group scent, Johnson-Bennett says.

“Out in the wild, that’s crucial to survival,” she says. “When a cat leaves the colony and comes back, they recognize another cat by scent. Scent plays a huge role.”

Mothers will lick their kittens to clear dirt from their skin and will lick their bottoms to stimulate defecation and urination, functions newborns cannot control voluntarily during the first three weeks of life, says Dan Estep, an applied animal behaviorist in Denver, Colorado.

Cats that share a home together and get along will also lick each other’s heads, Estep says. It’s a social behavior like head or face rubbing.

“One theory is cats use allogrooming with people the same way they do with other cats,” Estep says. “It’s a friendly bonding behavior. I’ve had my own cats lick my hair.”

Make no mistake, though, cats do not think of us as other cats.

“They think of us as being friends they can have a strong relationship with,” Estep says. “They use cat-friendly behaviors to express that.”

Cats can tell the difference between cats, humans and other animals, Johnson-Bennett says, and probably choose to lick our hair because it’s the closest thing we have to fur.

“Out in the wild, [grooming] crucial to survival,” she says. “When a cat leaves the colony and comes back, they recognize another cat by scent. Scent plays a huge role.”

Of course, it’s also possible that hair-licking could be a sign of affection for your shampoo or conditioner, which is more of a feeding behavior than a friendly behavior, Estep says. You could test the theory by using different products on your hair.

“If you use the same shampoo every time, and the cats lick and lick, then you use a different shampoo and they don’t lick it, that would be a sign of an odor preference,” Kirby-Madden says.

Is it Safe for Cats to Groom Humans?

Anything your cat’s tongue makes contact with could end up being ingested, so if you use medicinal products on your head or skin, don’t let her lick that area, Kirby-Madden says.

“There certainly are topicals that humans put on their skin that can be dangerous to cats,” she says. For example, some dandruff shampoos can be toxic.

While it is theoretically possible for cats to ingest human hair, they would have to swallow a good amount of hair before it caused any health problems, Kirby-Madden says.

Ultimately, you know your cat better than anyone else, so if she starts grooming you out of the blue, it could be a sign that something’s wrong, Kirby-Madden says.

“Cats have a limited range of expressions to tell us how they’re feeling,” she says. “[If grooming you is] brand new behavior, or if it’s excessive or increasing in frequency, then it would be time to go to the vet.”

If you don’t enjoy being your pet’s personal ice cream cone, you can discourage the licking but do it gently. Try to distract her by petting her or giving her a fuzzy mouse, fishing line or other appealing toy to play with, Johnson-Bennett says, adding that it’s important not to become angry with or reprimand your pet for licking you. Whatever you do, don’t get angry.

“Try to enjoy and understand what a sign of affection it is,” Johnson-Bennett says. “Don’t push your cat away. It’s very damaging to the relationship if you yell at the cat or push her off the bed. You want to keep it positive.”