Q&A Why

Why cant i feel love

There are people in the world who are incapable of love. Sadly, it happens more often than anyone would like to admit.

People who are incapable of love don't love themselves. Without that, they can't possibly love another person or even know how to experience love if they haven't learned to love who they are first. Therefore, maintaining a loving relationship is nearly impossible for them.

Can a person be incapable of love?

The answer is yes, they can. The reasons some people are incapable of love could stem from their negative childhood experiences, past relationship traumas, or even their personality traits.

However, people can work on themselves and get out of that situation given enough determination and want of it.

Here are some tell-tale signs someone is incapable of love.

RELATED: 12 Sad Signs You're Emotionally Damaged & Are Too Broken To Love

1. They blame others.

People who are not capable of love have a tendency to blame problems on other people. They lack insight into how they may be contributing to the problem.

They are narrow-minded and only focused on how a situation or relationship benefits them or holds them back. They rarely put fault in themselves for things not working out as they planned.

2. They have no accountability or responsibility for their mistakes or wrongdoing.

People who lack the ability to fully love someone have a limited ability to see their fault in situations or relationships. Instead of working on things in the relationship as a two-way street, it's often one-sided.

If someone can't even love themselves, how are they supposed to see fault in their limited and narrow mind? They can't. And they won't even try.

3. They make excuses.

For both current or future relationships.

Again, having to own up to something would take some sort of self-awareness and knowledge about yourself. Instead, people who can't love will make excuses for their behavior: "Oh I was drunk, don't take it personally," "I don't usually act like that," and, my personal favorite, "You just made me so mad."

You became so mad you didn't recognize yourself? Please justify your behavior some more.

Justification and making excuses are common in those who lack a sense of self and have no capability of loving another person.

4. They give up easily.

They simply give up if something or someone doesn't benefit them anymore. They don't think about the other person. To be quite frank, they don't really care.

When something no longer serves a purpose that favors the loveless person, their interest in a person and the relationship diminishes.

5. They show less interest in growing as a person.

As a result of the above statements, this person will not show much interest. As time goes on, you'll notice their attention span shortening almost as if they are saying they don't care without speaking the words out loud.

RELATED: 10 Sad-But-True Signs He's Incapable Of Love

6. There is a lack of communication.

As a result of someone being unable to love and their general close-minded nature, they communicate infrequently.

They will allow upset or hurt feelings to stir up inside of them until they can't handle it anymore and they explode. This frustration is within them so they really shouldn't be blaming someone else.

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7. They emotionally withdraw.

They will emotionally withdraw from the relationship while you may or may not be aware of what is happening in their mind due to their emotional difficulties. You may be working on the relationship while they move further and further away from you.

8. They are unhappy.

People unable to love are also unhappy. They may explain this is a new thing or that it's been progressive.

But here's the truth: The unhappiness started with the person and not having a clear foundation of who they are. They become unhappy because they don't know who they are.

9. They are self-absorbed.

Me, me, me. It's always about them. It's always what they want first. No compromise. They don't care to find out who they are but they will take, take, take. It is always about them.

10. They are close-minded.

These folks are often very rigid and stuck in their ways. If you can't open yourself up for love, then you're nowhere near ready for a relationship.

If they don't love themselves or have a certain level of respect for themselves, they are not going to have a successful relationship and you should run... like, yesterday.

11. They care too much about other people's opinions.

They rely too heavily on making people like them that they won't have any time to care for your needs or wants. Rather you may end up being the "support system" for them.

You will be the one they look to you to boost their ego when someone doesn't like them.

12. They could have emotional deprivation disorder.

Emotional Deprivation Disorder is "a syndrome (a grouping of symptoms) which results from a lack of authentic affirmation and emotional strengthening by another."

That is, people with EDD were deprived of feeling his or her own uniqueness or goodness while growing up causing them to stunt their emotional development. They can't possibly maintain a healthy relationship because they don't have the necessary "education" or "knowledge" to do so.

It's like if you tried performing brain surgery without going to school for it. You don't know what to do, where to start, or how to react, right? That is what it is like for these people with this disorder.

They were never allowed to understand their feelings, so they have no idea what to do about it, and they are incapable of feeling love because they've never experienced it (or don't realize that they have). Therefore they have an inability to form mature relationships.

What does lack of love do to a person?

A person who is lacks love could end up having a horrible life. Not having love in your life by giving it or receiving it can lead to a deeply unhappy person.

These people can end up feeling more lonely since falling in love isn't really an option for them. Not only that, but they are more likely to experience depression and stress; and, in general, can be in worse health than those who live with love in their lives.

People who live without love in their lives end up with intimacy issues making for failed relationships. Most of the time they fear love because they have never known it.

In the end, a lack of love is a sad life.

RELATED: Why Trying To Love An Emotionally Broken Man Will Only Break Your Heart

Brittney Lindstrom is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Rehabilitation Counselor.

By Shelly Bullard, MFT

Marriage and Family Therapist

Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to relationships. She has worked with thousands of clients on improving their relationships with others and themselves.

Marriage and Family Therapist

Last updated on February 28, 2020

We all want to feel loved. So when you don't feel loved by your partner or simply find yourself needing more love in your life or in your relationship than you're getting, it can feel very lonely, empty, and maybe even hurtful. But the reason you're needing love right now is not what you think.

Why you don't feel loved.

The secret to feeling loved by your partner or by others in the world is surprisingly simple: Love yourself, first.

Don't roll your eyes. The truth is, when you don't feel enough love on the inside—when you don't feel good enough, lovable enough, smart enough, anything enough—your default is to move into trying to get someone else to make you feel this way. You figure, "If they love me, then I'll feel loved."

Unfortunately, it doesn't work this way. Trying to secure love on the outside causes us to chase after people and demand their love. But this just leaves us, well, chasing. It will never get you the love you want. (Take a moment to think about it: How many times has chasing after love worked for you? My point, exactly.)

That's because the secret to feeling loved by someone else is loving yourself. When you love yourself first, then everything else will fall into place.

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The problem with needing love.

First of all, it's important to know that unconditional love means giving love freely, without expectations. If you feel like you're constantly needing love, attention, approval, and validation from your partner, that's emotional dependency—not love.

This isn't to say we have to put up with a partner who's cold and has no empathy, and we all deserve to be treated lovingly. The point is that how we feel about ourselves should not be based on the treatment of our partners.

What we experience from others is a reflection of what we experience inside ourselves. If you feel desperate for another person's love, it's a sign that you're desperately in need of loving yourself. There's a hole you're trying to fill, but the reality is it can only be filled by you. As you fill this need within—as you love yourself more and more—then you'll feel more love from others, too.

Self-love is everything from how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake, to giving yourself enough time to sleep, to eating foods that make you feel nourished rather than deprived. Self-love is the simple but profound act of treating yourself the way you'd treat someone else you care about deeply.

I've experienced this concept profoundly in my own life. In the past, at times when I did not feel good enough, I desperately wanted to feel loved by someone else, in particular by a romantic partner. As much as I tried not to, I would grasp and cling for a man's love, in hope that I could feel a sense of being loved. I thought his love was the answer, and if I could just get it, everything would fall into place. This couldn't have been further from the truth.

Finally, after a ton of soul-searching and internal work, I realized the real truth, and I started to focus on loving myself. What happened next?

As the love within me grew, so did the love I felt from others.

In fact, it was directly correlated.

All this time I had been trying to get love on the outside, and it never worked. But once I started to cherish myself, the experience of being cherished by others came so naturally. I no longer had to chase after others for love; I just had to do the necessary work to feel love within myself, and the rest took care of itself.

As I began to feel full, beautiful, and magnificent internally, I experienced others feeling these things for me in a greater way than ever before. As I accepted my feelings and was kind to myself when I struggled, I encountered others who did the same for me.

Our internal experience is mirrored back to us in our relationships; therefore, the best thing you can always do is find love within. When in doubt, love yourself.

Now, loving yourself is a process. It's not like you do it once, check it off the list, and you're good to go. It's a lifestyle.

If you want to change your body, you have to change your diet and exercise routine. Same thing if you want to change your heart: You commit to a plan, and you go for it. That can include many things:

Being in contact with people who lift you up
Changing your inner dialogue to nicer, kinder words
Working with a therapist or coach who can help you understand your insecurities
Reading books about self-love and empowerment

(Here are a few more tangible ways to practice self-love.)

I know you want to feel completely cherished and loved in relationships. But the truth is, you cannot control how other people will feel about you. When you depend on others for feeling loved, you're going to spend a lot of time chasing—and all the while feeling even worse about yourself. But when you're your own source of feeling loved, you no longer need love from others. And the wonderful bonus? People are much more drawn to people who are happy, confident, and sitting in their worth.

When it comes to feeling more loved, the change starts within you. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated by others, and the rest will fall right into place.