Which statement is the most appropriate advice to give parents of a 16 year old who is rebellious?

Discipline isn’t about punishment. It’s about guiding children towards appropriate ways to behave. For pre-teens and teenagers, discipline is about agreeing on and setting appropriate limits and helping them behave within those limits.

Índice Show

Agreeing on clear limits with pre-teens and teenagers
Using consequences as part of teenage discipline
Reinforcing consequences
Why teenagers test the limits

When your child was younger, you probably used a range of discipline strategies to teach them the basics of good behaviour. Now your child is moving into the teenage years, you can use limits and boundaries to help them learn independence, take responsibility for their behaviour and its outcomes, and solve problems.

Your child needs these skills to become a young adult with their own standards for appropriate behaviour and respect for others. An important part of this is learning to stick to some clear rules, agreed on in advance, and with agreed consequences.

Teenagers don’t yet have all the skills they need to make all their own decisions, so your agreed limits for behaviour help your child make good choices about how to behave.

Teenage discipline is most effective when you:

communicate openly with your child – this allows you to talk about how the limits and rules are working, and guide your child towards good choices
build and maintain a warm and loving family environment – this helps your child feel safe to make mistakes as they learn to manage their own behaviour.

Negotiation is a key part of communicating with pre-teens and teenagers and can help avoid problems. Negotiating with your child shows that you respect their ideas. It also helps your child learn to compromise as part of decision-making.

Agreeing on clear limits with pre-teens and teenagers

Clear limits and expectations can discourage problem behaviour from happening in the first place. Limits also help your child develop positive social behaviour, including showing concern for others.

Here are some tips for setting clear limits:

Involve your child in working out limits and rules. When your child feels that you listen to them and they can contribute, they’ll be more likely to see you as fair and stick to the agreed rules.
Be clear about the behaviour you expect. It can help to check that your child has understood your expectations. For example, you could say, ‘Please come home after the movie’. But it might be clearer to say, ‘Come straight home after the movie ends and don’t go anywhere else’.
Discuss responsibilities with your child. For example, ‘I’m responsible for providing for you. You have responsibilities too, like tidying your room’.
Agree in advance with your child on what the consequences will be if they don’t stick to the rules you’ve agreed on.
Use descriptive praise when your child follows through on agreed limits. For example, ‘Thanks for coming straight home from the movie’.
Be willing to discuss and adjust rules as your child shows responsibility or gets older – for example, by extending your child’s curfew.

To check whether your family rules are realistic and reasonable, you could talk with other parents who have children of the same age. Many schools can also help with guidance.

Using consequences as part of teenage discipline

Sometimes your child might behave in ways that test your limits or break the rules you’ve agreed on. One way to deal with this is by using consequences.

Here’s how.

Make the consequence fit
If you can make the consequence fit the misbehaviour, it gets your child to think about the issue. It can also feel fairer to your child. For example, if your child is home later than the agreed time, a fitting consequence might be having to come home early next time.

Withdraw cooperation
This strategy aims to help your child understand your perspective and learn that they need to give and take. It also helps your child understand that every action has a consequence. By doing the right thing, your child can get a positive consequence. But doing the wrong thing means they get a negative consequence.

For example, if your child wants you to wash a special item of clothing, you could say you’ll do this if they put all their dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Try to avoid making this into a bribe.

Let your child know beforehand that you might withdraw your cooperation as a consequence for misbehaviour. For example, ‘If you want me to iron your shirt for tonight, you need to speak respectfully to me’. Saying that you’re prepared to follow through with a consequence is sometimes enough to influence behaviour.

Withdraw privileges
This consequence should be used sparingly. If you use it too much, it won’t work as well.

The idea is to remove something that you know your child enjoys – for example, visits to a friend’s house, access to technology, or access to activities. You need to let your child know in advance that this is what you plan to do, so that they can weigh up whether losing the privilege is worth it.

You don’t need to withdraw privileges for a long time for this consequence to be effective. Aim for a short withdrawal that occurs within the few days following the misbehaviour.

Reinforcing consequences

Whatever consequence you choose, these strategies might help to reinforce it.

Communication
It’s important to explain calmly and clearly what the problem is to your child. Tell your child how they haven’t stuck to the rules you agreed on, and let them know that you’ll be applying the agreed consequence.

Self-reflection
The idea is to encourage your child to think about their behaviour and how it could be different in the future.

You can talk with your child about the agreement you had, and what they think should happen as a consequence of breaking it. Often teenagers will be much harsher than their parents. This allows you to settle on future consequences that you both see as fair.

It’s best to balance rules and consequences with warmth and positivity. Try to praise your child or give positive attention more often than you correct or criticise.

Why teenagers test the limits

Teenagers have the job of developing into independent adults. One way they do this is by testing boundaries and seeing how other people react to their behaviour. This teaches them what the social expectations are. As they get feedback, they learn what’s expected.

On top of this the teenage brain goes through massive growth and development during adolescence. As a result teenagers try new things but don’t always make good decisions. They’re more influenced by peers. And they feel things more intensely than you do.

At the same time, teenagers are getting better at seeing the big picture and reasoning. This means they question their world more and use creative ways to solve problems.

For all these reasons, teenage behaviour might sometimes seem hard to manage. But you can work on behaviour with your child and guide them away from tricky situations.

Many parents find their teenager's behaviour challenging.

Teenagers' behaviour can be baffling, stressful, hurtful and often worrying. But in most cases it does not mean there is anything more serious going on than the natural process of becoming an adult.

Many of the common behaviour issues that parents find hard are an essential part of puberty and growing up.

Surges of hormones, combined with body changes, struggling to find an identity, pressures from friends and a developing sense of independence, mean the teenage years are a confusing time for your child.

It can mean they, for example:

become aloof
want more time alone or with friends
feel misunderstood
reject your attempts to talk or show affection
appear sullen and moody

Read more about the possible signs of a problem in your teenager.

Teenagers can challenge even the calmest of parents. When you have further pressures in your life, such as other children, work, relationships, family commitments or illness, it can feel as though your teenager is going to push you over the edge.

Try to step back from the situation, and remember your child or young person may have physiological reasons for behaving in ways that can be difficult to live with. They're probably not enjoying it either.

You're the adult and you will feel that it's your responsibility to guide them through the difficult times, but that is not always easy. Do not expect to enjoy your time with them all of the time, and remember to look after yourself.

Parenting a teenager can be exhausting, so it's important to look after yourself, too.

Family Lives, a charity dedicated to helping families, offers the following advice:

make sure you set aside time for yourself
give yourself permission to relax or even treat yourself occasionally
talk about your concerns to your partner or friends, or join a support group or forum
learn techniques for coping with low mood sadness and depression or anxiety. If you’re concerned that you’re depressed, anxious or stressed, talk to a GP

Teenagers can be largely emotional rather than logical because of their hormones. It is not necessarily pleasant for them, and it can even feel frightening.

Although it might be hard for you, they need you to maintain a calm consistent presence.

Follow these tips:

decide what the boundaries are and stick to them – teenagers may object to these but know they're a sign that you care for and about them
listen to them when they do want to talk and try not to interrupt until they've finished speaking
allow them to learn from their own mistakes – as long as they are safe – and accept they might do things differently to you
do not bottle up your concerns – if you're worried your teenager may be having unprotected sex or using drugs, try talking calmly and direct them to useful information, such as these articles on drugs or getting contraception.
allow them to have their own space and privacy

The Relate website has more information about parenting teenagers that covers many of these subjects.

If you're concerned about the physical or mental health of your child or young person it may be a good idea to speak to a GP.

You can also read more about children and young people's mental health services (CYPMHS).

There are also several organisations that provide emotional support and practical advice. You could try:

Family Lives is a charity specialising in supporting families. You can call their confidential helpline on 0808 800 2222 (9am to 9pm Monday to Friday, 10am to 3pm Saturday to Sunday). You can also visit their forums
Relate offers relationship advice and counselling. You can also use Live Chat to talk to a counsellor
Young Minds, the mental health charity, has a confidential parents' helpline. Call them on 0808 802 5544 (9.30am to 4pm Monday to Friday)

Page last reviewed: 27 January 2020
Next review due: 27 January 2023