I have a gazillion questions in my inbox but this email jumped out at me:
“What does it mean when a man says ‘I can’t give you what you want’ or ‘I can’t be the man you need me to be’?”
When a man (or a woman) makes statements like this, these are what I call your golden opt-out moments or ‘windows of opportunity‘. If you have boundaries, values, awareness about red flags and a reasonable level of self-esteem, a warning statement like this will make you very uncomfortable. It will bring you back down to earth with a bump. And it is a warning statement. It’s time to get out of the relationship and suffer the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
He is giving you a chance to get out now while you can.
He’s also telling you who he is and trying to make you be real about him and the relationship so that you can opt out.
Here are the translations:
When a man says ‘ I can’t give you what you want’ he’s saying ‘I can’t give you what you want. I’m also not prepared to give you what you want so please stop wanting from me and move on.’
That’s it. He means exactly what he says.
This man already knows his capacity or what he is prepared to give. He’s also wise enough to recognise that you want more than what is on offer. There’s nothing mysterious about what he’s saying – he’s giving you a heads up and a warning.
When a man says he cannot give you what you want, it’s a red flag and a sign to run in the other direction.
Don’t make the mistake of millions of women by deciding that you know better. You don’t. Also, don’t make the mistake of deciding that you will marginalise your own needs so that you can hang onto him. All you’ll be doing is setting yourself up for a mighty big, painful fall.
‘I love you, and of course, you can give me what I want’, you might proclaim. Er, no, he can’t. You’re discounting what he’s said and trying to invalidate what he’s communicated because it doesn’t suit your view of things. You’re in denial. It’s not up to you, though, to decide what he can give.
When a man says he cannot give you what you want and you want a relationship, it means that he doesn’t want a relationship. It’s time for you to let go and move on.
A decent guy in this situation will not only tell you this but will opt out and move on with his life. A guy who wants to enjoy the fringe benefits of the relationship while managing down your expectations will hang about. He has thinking that works like this:
I’ve told you that I cannot give you what you want. I’m giving you a heads-up, and if you don’t have enough self-respect to move on and you stick around, I am not responsible for any pain that you may experience. Yes, that’s even if I continue to shag you/get an ego stroke/or lean on your shoulder and moan. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because I’m still around that I’m in a position to give you what you want. I’m not, but I am all for getting my own needs met if you’re going to stick around and let me use you up.
When a man says ‘I can’t be the man you need me to be’ he’s saying ‘Please stop putting me on a pedestal and creating illusions. I am not the man you think I am, and I am not the man who you so clearly need me to be. I cannot meet your needs and have no desire to.’
When men (or women) say stuff like this is because they know who they are, what they’re capable of, and what they feel about you and any relationship. They’ve likely danced this dance before with other people and they are trying to shut off the willing, waiting, hoping, dreaming, betting on potential and everything else that comes with putting someone on a pedestal.
If a man says that he can’t be who you need him to be, it’s because you are under illusions about who he is and the relationship. He’s making a vague attempt to bring you back down to earth.
You’ll likely have projected your ideas about who you think he is and the relationship you could have, and he’s getting nervous. He may even feel you’re being emotionally demanding and actually, you may well be. If someone is saying that they can’t give you what you want, it’s because you’re asking and expecting from them even when it’s apparent that they cannot meet your needs.
Really, he’s saying ‘Back off! Stop expecting! Stop dreaming! Quit betting on potential! See me as I am!’
Again, a decent guy will not only tell you this but opt out and move on. In fact, if you were to persist in trying to be with him, he may even have to do No Contact on you. But a guy who doesn’t give a monkey’s about you and is happy to enjoy the fruits of your misguided feelings for him will think something like this:
I’ve told you that I’m not the man you need me to be. If you still want to be with me in spite of this, I know you want the illusion more than you want self-respect and a real relationship. However, if you stick around, even if you don’t realise it, it’s on my terms. So even though you might think that because we’re still sleeping together that maybe I can be the man you need, I still can’t. And there’s no point in continuing to complain because I told you that I could not meet your needs; it’s not my fault you stayed.
Hard as it may be to hear, there is no hidden meaning to these commitment-dodging statements.When people show you who they are through their actions or tell you who they are, you need to be listening and watching, not denying or deciding that you know better, or playing Dan Brown looking to break a code.
Add context to the situation and you really get a sense of what they mean:
When a man makes statements like ‘I can’t give you what you want’ and stays in the relationship, he’s a lazy man. He’s reshaping the relationship on his terms and trying to manage down your needs and expectations so that he can get his needs met with minimal contribution while marginalising your own needs. He knows you’re not The One but he’s okay with passing time with you. He’s saying ‘I can’t be the man you want. If you’re okay with sticking around for some sub-par treatment, though, what kind of man would I be to pass up the fringe benefits?’
Don’t look for meaning where there is no meaning or suspend yourself in disbelief. Heed the warning signs.
Your thoughts?
Are you in a relationship with a guy who you know isn’t all in?
He may tell you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, but then he still wants to spend time with you. He may tell you, and sometimes seem to show you, that he really likes you, even if he doesn’t like you ‘like that."
His actions leave you absolutely dumbfounded as to how he is feeling. And he probably makes you feel like you're a yo-yo — you're being constantly pushed away and pulled back in.
You may sometimes feel like you're starting to lose your mind from the non-stop mixed messages this guy sends.
"Why does he keep me around," you ask, "if he doesn't want a relationship?"
There are a number of reasons why a guy will keep you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
RELATED: Why You Need To Stop Chasing That Hot-And-Cold Guy (And Get Him To Chase You, Instead)
Here are 5 of the most common:
1. He's lonely.
It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place. So if a guy tells you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, one of the reasons he keeps you around is that he is lonely.
Why would he choose to be alone if he knows that you are ready and available whenever he feels lonely? I mean, he likes spending time with you, so why not?
He knows that he doesn’t want to have a serious relationship with you but because he is unable to fill the space that might be left in your absence, he keeps you around so he doesn’t have to be alone.
As for you, you're probably willing to let things keep going this way because, if you're honest with yourself, you don’t enjoy being alone either.
So, if your guy keeps you around, even if he isn’t all in, it could very well be not because he wants you in particular, but because he doesn’t want to be alone.
2. He's insecure.
A guy who says he doesn’t want a relationship but keeps you around anyway is a guy who is most likely insecure.
A guy who is insecure has difficulty making clear decisions. He says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, but he then wavers, wondering if he’s made the right choice. He keeps hanging around, hoping things could be different, constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into his internal chaos.
Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move in that direction.
Furthermore, a guy who keeps you around without a commitment could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel even more unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date is daunting and, as a result, he stays. Knowing you are into him makes him feel better about himself, even if it's at your expense.
Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why isn’t willing to let you go, even if he isn't willing to be fully committed to you either.
3. He likes sleeping with you.
This will be no surprise to any of you. Guys want, no need, to have sex. When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship with you but keeps you around, he could very well be doing so just for the sex.
I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and moved out. In spite of this, he regularly went back to their home and had sex with her. I asked him why and he said, ‘Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex?’
This man is a good guy, but he just didn’t understand that, for many women, sex is about emotional connection as much (or more) as about the physical act, which meant that by having sex with her was, he was unintentionally signaling to her that he might still want to make things work between them.
Once he understood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn’t happy to be going without, but he knew he had to because he didn’t want to lead her on.
If your guy is still around, is he doing so for sex? Think about it.
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RELATED: 9 Warning Signs He's Only Using You For The Sex
4. He's still with you out of habit.
One interesting aspect of relationships is the habits they create for us. By habits, I mean those things you do together regularly. Maybe it’s Wednesday night Netflix or Saturday morning pancakes — anything you both enjoy doing together on a regular basis or as a ritual of sorts.
When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.
If your guy tells you he wants to spend time with you but doesn’t want a relationship, it’s often because of the habits you developed together that he doesn't want to give up.
If your guy keeps you around, it might be because he can’t break those habits, as they've become so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn’t want to let them go.
As a result, he won’t let you go either, which only leaves you confused and upset.
5. He wants to keep his options open.
For many guys who say they don’t want to be in a relationship but aren’t willing to let you go, they do so in order to keep their options open.
Yes, they know they don’t (and probably won't) want to be in a relationship with you, but they like hanging out with you well enough, so they continue to do so, thereby keeping their options in case no one else comes along.
Imagine if your guy meets someone else and you find out. When you call him on it, he knows he can say, ‘But we aren’t in a relationship, so ...’
This being not only true, but having been already declared to you by him in the past, allows him to move on with absolutely no guilt. If you aren’t in a relationship, he believes he has done nothing wrong and that it will be easy to push you away when he feels like it.
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What To Do About It
When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship with you but still won’t let you move on, it can be even harder than if he just broke up with you and disappeared altogether.
If a guy disappears from your life, you can grieve, accept the loss, get over him and move on. But if he keeps showing up with his handsome face, you’ll keep getting sucked back in — and the pain will continue.
So, take a good look at why your guy might be hanging around. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can’t break the habit or because just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he is using you as a place filler until he finds someone better.
Ultimately, if a guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, believe him.
Guys who want to be in a relationship will pursue you until they win you or they decide to walk away. Guys who exist in this gray area between relationship and friendship are guys who will never commit to you.
It’s up to you to walk away and look for someone who will recognize how amazing you are and embrace a relationship with you as the best thing that could ever happen to him.
You can do it!
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Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based certified life and love coach. Let her help you find, and keep, love in this crazy world in which we live. Email her to get started!