What is it called when you want what you cant have

Most of us have experienced a burning desire for the one person who’s just out of reach, the one person we just cannot have.

Maybe it’s because this person is taken; maybe because this person is too hard-to-get. Or, maybe, this person simply doesn’t reciprocate our feelings. The fact is, despite all that rejection, we just want that one person so much more.

Then, there's the all-important question: Why? Why is it that when we can’t have someone, we want the person so much more? Why do we overlook other suitable partners, who may be more readily available and potentially better for us, in favor of one who’s out-of-reach?

The answers boil down to the dynamics of the human mind, with four specific principles at play:

1. Vanity

I’m not talking about the, "Don’t I look amazing in this sparkly dress?" type of vanity. I mean the type of vanity that pertains to one’s own self-image and is intrinsically tied to our senses of self-worth.

We, as humans, are vain by our very nature. We all like to feel special, attractive and important, as these are all things that pump up our pride, confidence and self-image.

Nobody wants to feel powerless, unattractive or unable to affect people.

The same is true of carrying a burning desire for that certain person you cannot win over. The fact that you want him or her but can’t have him or her is a blow to your personal vanity.

With personal vanity wounded, your mind will try to get your own sense of self-worth back up to what it was. It does this by pushing you to obtain the thing that did the damage in the first place, which, in this case, is that person you can’t have.

Chasing this person more aggressively will most likely push him or her even farther away from you, wounding personal vanity further and making you want him or her even more.

2. Scarcity

Our minds place value on things without us even realizing, and there are forces at work, which determine the value of a certain thing (or a certain someone). These forces are called supply and demand.

Yes, it may seem odd to use a core principle of economics to try and explain the inner workings of the human mind, but allow me to elaborate.

Something low in demand but high in supply is seen as less valuable; whereas, something high in demand but low in supply is seen as more valuable. The same is true of us humans when we place value on objects, experiences and even people.

If a person’s availability is restricted and we want the person's time (whether it be in person, on the phone, through text, etc.), we have a demand for the person and the person is in low supply. This makes the person more valuable to us, which in turn, makes us want the person more because we see him or her as higher in value.

The truth of it, in those cases when we desire someone, the more restricted and scarce he or she is to us, the more we want him or her. It’s the essence of why those who are harder to get can be more attractive to others.

3. Desire

Desire is double-edged. We desire others according to our personal tastes, experiences and sexual preferences, but desire also has a social element.

We tend to more so desire those who are desired by others. The same is true of objects and things. For example, if you’re looking for a restaurant, you’d most likely choose one that has more people sitting in it, as opposed to one with no one in it.

This is due to social proof. If someone else desires something, our minds tell us it may have a quality that could interest us, which we find intriguing. So, if other people also desire that one person you want, it will make you want the person even more.

This also has an explanation rooted in jealousy. If someone else wants what we want, it may trigger our natural competitiveness in order to beat someone else to the punch. This goes back to both vanity and scarcity.

Being with that one desirable person will boost self-esteem; it feeds our personal vanity and the desire to be in favor with someone we perceive as high in value.

4. Over-Investment

One of the principles by which our minds work is reciprocity. If we do something for someone, we unconsciously expect the person to do something for us in return. If someone does something for us, most of us feel compelled to reciprocate by doing something of around equal value in return.

When we invest time in someone, we unconsciously expect a return for the time we gave. If you add other things into the mix — favors, dinner dates, etc. — our level of investment becomes higher and the unconscious expectation for a return greater.

The less the person reciprocates, the more time we tend to invest trying to get the person to reciprocate. This makes us more invested and raises our unconscious expectations of some kind of return from that person.

So, when we can’t have that one person we want, we may tend to invest a lot trying to have him or her. The more we invest, and the less the person reciprocates, the more we want the person because we have invested a lot.

Annoyingly, investing too much time and energy in someone without the person wanting it will usually push the person away.

So, when you want someone whom you simply cannot have, the best thing is to relax, step back and not invest so much into that someone (no matter how difficult that may be).

When you were told you couldn’t have a toy as a kid, the tantrum was inevitable; you wanted it even more than before. When you were a teenager and your parents said you couldn’t have alcohol, it only fueled your defiant desire to drink.

As a 20-something, it's likely that when you’re drawn to someone and discover he or she is in a relationship, you find yourself falling even harder.

What is this fixation on the forbidden fruit, and why does it control so many aspects of our lives?

There are pros to this phenomenon, especially in the professional spectrum. Someone outright telling you that you’re incapable of getting that promotion -- well, it drives your determination to achieve it.

I once knew a girl whose math skills were less than stellar, and her family would joke too often that she could never be an accountant. Something about their poking fun must have struck a chord with her because she spent the next 12 years trying to prove otherwise. By 25, she was holding a steady job in accounting, one that her family never expected her to have.

Sometimes, though, there is a downside to this inexplicable instinct. Sometimes we go too far for what we’re told we can’t have, even overstepping moral code or hurting others in the process.

During a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, women were presented with a photograph of their potential dream man. Half of the women were told their Mr. Right was single; while the other half were told he was in a relationship. The photographs were the same across all participants.

Though 59 percent were interested in pursuing the single guy, that figure jumped to 90 percent when they were under the impression he was already in a committed relationship.

It's certainly not uncommon for women to pursue men who are already happily married. However, this brings up a whole host of questions: Is it simply that something illicit feels more exciting? Is it our competitive human nature that fuels our desire to “win” someone if he or she is taken?

Apparently, our urge to go after the unattainable is in our DNA.

George Loewenstein, an American educator who studies the link between economics and psychology, is known for his “Information-Gap Theory,” which could help to explain some of this strange behavior.

According to Loewenstein, something significant happens when we feel a gap between what we know and what we want to know: curiosity hatches. As a result, we often feel the need to take action, to do whatever it takes to bridge that gap.

This might explain celebrity crushes. There is no denying that these people are the pinnacle of attractiveness, but why are they really so lust-worthy? Does it have something to do with the fact that we know it’s very unlikely we’ll ever even meet them?

Other researchers have suggested that there is a scientific explanation for this drive, as well.

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, levels of dopamine -- the pleasure chemical in the brain -- continue to rise the longer you must wait to fulfill your desire. So, in other words, your experience with someone is ultimately more pleasurable if you have to hold out.

Every romantic comedy you’ve ever seen follows the protagonist trying get the guy or the girl, and ends with that protagonist finally succeeding.

That fight, that struggle, pays off in a big way when the main character ends up with the unattainable object of his or her desire -- talk about dopamine overload -- thus why those movies make you feel so good.

No wonder women are trained to play hard-to-get. After all, if we’re too easy to win over, will anyone want us?

Wanting what you can't have, whether it's a luxury lifestyle or a relationship with someone, can be a no-win game. The primary problem, of course, being that you’ll likely never be satisfied.

What happens when you finally strike it rich? There's a good chance your fortune still won't be enough. What happens when that person is suddenly attainable? Unless your passion came from a genuine place, you lose interest and move on to the next.

The truth is, constantly yearning for someone or something is an endless cycle of agony with no fulfillment, no payoff and definitely no grand romantic ending.

Photo via We Heart It