 It’s not hard to understand the role of emotional intelligence when it comes to success: whether you’re born with an abundance or you have to work hard to develop a smaller share, it’s important to have at least a degree of it. Emotional intelligence is the skill of knowing why you feel the way you do and then choosing to feel different–it’s the critical factor if you want to be successful in your life and work. Those with high emotional intelligence find it easier to see their own weaknesses and empathize with others, while those with low emotional intelligence are more likely to be bitter and distant because of difficulties in relating to others. Failing to cultivate emotional intelligence can hold you back–not only in your career and leadership but also in your friendships and overall success. If any of these warning signs sound familiar to you, start today to develop your emotional intelligence. Wherever you are, it’s within reach if you’re willing to work. 1. You often feel others aren’t getting your point. If you constantly find that people don’t connect with your communication, ask yourself what you may need to do differently. Emotional intelligence means being honest with yourself and working on the places where you fall short. 2. You blame others for your problems. When you blame others, you give up your chance to grow. It’s easy to find a scapegoat for all your struggles or complications, but developing your emotional intelligence can help you understand that it’s much more productive to look for the cause of your issues in your own past. Blaming others often means you’re avoiding a difficult truth about yourself. 3. You’re bad at reading people. In business, reading people–understanding what they are saying beyond their words–is a tremendously useful skill, and an inability to read people is a strong sign that your emotional intelligence is lacking. When you become more tuned in to your own emotions, you will become more proficient at reading others. 4. You are often disappointed that people don’t understand you. When people don’t understand what you are saying, it may mean that your way of communicating is falling short or isn’t clear. Don’t expect to communicate only on your terms. Learn to communicate with your audience’s perspective in mind, not your own. 5. You’re frequently surprised by what you learn about others. Part of developing emotional intelligence is learning to recognize the patterns of people’s thoughts, words, and behavior. Understanding those patterns–and the ways in which we break them from time to time–can help you develop the kind of insight that lets you predict how people are likely to respond. 6. You lack empathy. People who are empathetic are able to understand how other people feel and how their own words and actions affect others. Someone with low emotional intelligence can unintentionally become a bully with jokes that feel insulting or mean-spirited to others. If you find it difficult to anticipate others’ needs, or if you sometimes find that people get angry with you and you don’t understand why, train yourself to pause before speaking to think about whom you’re talking to and how they might receive what you say. 7. You have difficulty forming close relationships. Being the best person you can be means forming connections with people at emotional levels, not just superficially. And the best way to do that is through emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence will lead you to success through better interactions with others, which comes from greater empathy and understanding, which in turn comes from knowing yourself and how to manage your own emotions. Emotional intelligence can help you realize that not everything is about you–which may sound obvious but can take many years to sink in if you’re used to placing yourself at the center of the universe. Emotional intelligence is about relationships, and relationships take two people who are willing to invest the hard work that comes with building a deeper connection. N A T I O N A L B E S T S E L L E R THE LEADERSHIP GAPWhat Gets Between You and Your Greatness
After decades of coaching powerful executives around the world, Lolly Daskal has observed that leaders rise to their positions relying on a specific set of values and traits. But in time, every executive reaches a point when their performance suffers and failure persists. Very few understand why or how to prevent it. buy now Additional Reading you might enjoy: Photo Credit: Getty Images
Lolly Daskal is one of the most sought-after executive leadership coaches in the world. Her extensive cross-cultural expertise spans 14 countries, six languages and hundreds of companies. As founder and CEO of Lead From Within, her proprietary leadership program is engineered to be a catalyst for leaders who want to enhance performance and make a meaningful difference in their companies, their lives, and the world. Of Lolly’s many awards and accolades, Lolly was designated a Top-50 Leadership and Management Expert by Inc. magazine. Huffington Post honored Lolly with the title of The Most Inspiring Woman in the World. Her writing has appeared in HBR, Inc.com, Fast Company (Ask The Expert), Huffington Post, and Psychology Today, and others. Her newest book, The Leadership Gap: What Gets Between You and Your Greatness has become a national bestseller.
The philosopher Aristotle described what it means to be emotionally intelligent hundreds of years before the term became popular. He said: "Anyone can become angry—that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not easy." The quote perfectly sums up a concept that has become a hot topic in psychology, education, and business: emotional intelligence. People sometimes refer to emotional intelligence as EQ (emotional quotient). Emotionally intelligent people have a number of habits and behaviors that contribute to their ability to manage their own emotions and understand the feelings of others. Do you know anyone who is keenly attuned to their own feelings, capable of expressing emotions in an appropriate way, as well as empathetic and understanding of how others are feeling? That person is probably a very emotionally intelligent individual.
The first item, perceiving emotions, is considered the most basic or the first level of emotional intelligence. The skills progress to the last item, managing emotions, which is considered the highest level of emotional intelligence. This involves the ability to manage your emotions and the emotions of others. Check out these key things that emotionally intelligent people do so that you can try to make some of these a habit in your own day-to-day life. And take this quiz to determine how emotionally intelligent you are, the answer might surprise you! You can also check out signs of low emotional intelligence. Psychologist and author Daniel Goleman identifies self-awareness as one of the key components of emotional intelligence. Self-awareness involves the ability to recognize moods, emotions, and feelings. Part of self-awareness also involves being aware of how your emotions and moods influence other people. This ability to monitor your own emotional states is a basic requirement for emotional intelligence. Empathy is another of Goleman's major elements of emotional intelligence. This involves the ability to understand the emotions of other people. In order to interact with other people in multiple life domains, such as at work or at school, you need to be able to know what they are feeling. If a co-worker is upset or frustrated, knowing what they are feeling can give you a much better idea of how to respond. Self-regulation is central to emotional intelligence. Understanding your emotions is great, but not particularly useful if you cannot make use of this knowledge. Emotionally intelligent people think before they act on their feelings. They are in tune with how they feel, but they do not let their emotions rule their lives. Emotionally intelligent people are motivated to achieve their goals. They are capable of managing their behaviors and feelings in order to achieve long-term success. They might be nervous about making a change in their lives, but they know that managing this fear is important. By taking a leap and making the change, they know that they might make their lives better and come one step closer to attaining their goals. Emotionally intelligent people tend to have strong social skills, probably because they are so attuned to their own feelings as well as those of others. They know how to deal with people effectively, and they are invested in maintaining healthy social relationships and helping those around them succeed. Sometimes people are empaths and in tune with their emotions, but struggle to actually share these feelings with others. Emotionally intelligent people not only understand feelings, they know how to express them appropriately. What exactly do we mean by appropriately? Imagine, for example, that you just had a particularly awful day at work. You are tired, frustrated, and angry about how things went at an important meeting. An inappropriate expression of your feelings might involve coming home and getting into an argument with your spouse or sending a nasty email to your boss. A more appropriate emotional reaction would be discussing your frustrations with your spouse, releasing some tension by going for a jog, and coming up with a plan to make the next day better than the one before. Imagine that you find yourself getting frustrated and angry with a co-worker. As you assess your feelings, analyze what you're really upset about. Are you mad about your co-worker’s actions, or does your anger stem from underlying frustrations and pressure from a boss who has heaped too much work and responsibility on your shoulders? Emotionally intelligent people are able to look at the situation and correctly identify the true source of their feelings. At first, this might seem like an easy task, but the reality is that our emotional lives can be both complicated and messy. Locating the exact source of your feelings can be particularly tricky when you are dealing with powerful emotions such as love and anger. Contrary to popular belief, you can learn emotional intelligence. Children and adults alike can learn to strengthen EQ. To start, try reflecting on your level of self-awareness. For instance, are you aware of your emotions? Do you understand how your emotions impact your beliefs and your behaviors? Do you notice how your behaviors impact others around you?
Becoming aware of how we think and feel, and how our actions affect others, is a great foundation for building emotional intelligence. Mindfulness techniques can help you become more present with your thoughts and emotions. For instance, instead of yelling at someone when you're upset, you might use a deep breathing technique to buy yourself some time, rethink your strategy, and react with more understanding.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is linked with improving emotional intelligence as well. CBT is a form of therapy in which people learn emotional regulation. A therapist will teach you healthy coping mechanisms to use to handle difficult emotions and improve your relationships.
Social and emotional learning programs (SEL) are implemented in some schools to teach kids how to be emotionally competent. There are also SEL programs for adults. SEL helps people develop their sense of identity, strengthen communication skills, use empathy, and achieve personal goals. There are online tests available that will determine a level of emotional intelligence based on your answers to various questions. The tests are usually multiple-choice; they ask what your reactions would be in hypothetical situations. For instance, do you respond to an argument by confronting the other person, shutting down, or apologizing? When you make an important decision, do you procrastinate, let someone else decide, or go with your gut? These are examples of the types of questions you'll find on EQ tests.
Remember, though, there are more factors that go into determining your EQ than an online test could compute. However, a test could get you thinking about which of your emotional skills are strongest and which areas you may wish to improve. |
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